CrossFit Athletic Group

by, Lira

Saturday, during the 9 AM mobility, Mrs. Hana and I had the same thought. What does Chris do outside of the gym? As attendants, we only see “Gym Chris”. How busy could this guy possibly be in-between and after dealing with a bunch of athletes for five hours? For those of you who are familiar with Orwellian literature, the process defined as 2-minutes-hate of Chris Sinagoga begins. For those of you out of the literary loop, 2-minutes-hate is a concept fashioned by author George Orwell in his popular novel 1984. It is observance designed to use the collective rage of the citizens of Oceania against supposed enemies of the main political party. The ritual serves to unify the people in the observance of the ritual. I asked the participants of this morning’s mobility (with the exception of a text to Katie Shakes) what they thought our fearless leader did outside of 32301. The question was, “We see and know gym-Chris. The mystery is what he does outside of the gym. Do you have any ideas?”

Without further ado, here are the assumptions of the members of the Champions Club.

Bankston: “I feel like he just sits at home and watches TV honestly. I can’t think of anything else. He definitely doesn’t read books.”

Dillon Sharp: “I feel like he hangs out on the couch or on the floor in weird positions. I feel like he does like a ten-minute squat while watching cartoons or something.”

Mr. and Mrs. Van: “I think that he walks here. Does he even have a car?”

Owen: “He plays basketball and listens to hip hop.”

Decker: “I think he’s a pornstar. Or a secret dad. He just doesn’t read.”

Schott: “He definitely doesn’t go to the movies. I think he might be a chef. Maybe Nintendo 64. Oh, I got it. Puzzles!” (At this point I replied to Schott, “Puzzles? He’s not smart enough to do puzzles.”)

Nick Bewick: “I could say some really inappropriate things...I’ll say he goes home, shampoos his lawn. I don’t know; he bounces the ball around. He’s pretty boring. What he really needs to do is memorize his Pokemon chart. I quizzed him and he just failed. I told him he needs to study up on this.”

Katie Shakes: “Listen to rap and watch sports. I pulled up to his house and he was blaring rap music that I could hear all the way from the end of the driveway.”

...........

Personally, I think that Chris takes a lot of naps and spends time with Murley. If he’s not at the gym, maybe, just maybe, he’s at home doing married people things. Side note, my personal favourite response of the day came from Decker.

Here’s the breakdown: we still don’t know exactly what Chris is involved in outside of the gym and who knows, maybe it will always be a mystery. With the supposed amount of television he watches, his brain (or what’s left of it) should be complete mush. Hip Hop is a known staple. The prospect of puzzles is up in the air; but does he really have enough cognitive function to complete those? Maybe the ones for 5 and under. I think we all have a lot of gather from the enigma that is Chris Sinagoga.

Signing off for now.

-L