CrossFit Athletic Group

Bethany walked over and flicked me in the tit for no reason whatsoever; somewhere in Madison Heights at that exact moment a boy named Dalton had an unexplainable sense of hope that he might be freed of the woman he was bewitched into marrying some time ago. It was a false sense of hope.

Meanwhile, after Bethany's tit-flicking episode, a routine Champions Club zoo exhibit was awakening as the 3:30 session overlapped with the 4:30 session: Thomas Busch was jumping rope by himself in a corner with his shirt tucked in to his pants (which were, of course, pulled up to his ribs); the Champagne and Nevarez kids had built a fort on top of the parallel bars and were taking death dives into the bean bag; there were two stray kids - a 7 year-old and a 1 year-old - I didn't even know, nor were they related to anyone at either session; a sleep-deprived Mrs. Van was trying to take a nap on the black mats outside with Mrs. Robinson soon to join her; Mr. Ron had Mrs. Hill, Mrs. Nevarez, and Mrs. Colleen 17 minutes deep into a monologue about yogurt; Charles Busch was repeatedly demonstrating that he is the whitest person on this side of Idaho; and Emma Lang was squatting down next to Tea' filling her in on the latest from the SLFNN (Sydney Larson Fantasy News Network).

And then our All-State basketball Athlete of the Fall (and maybe Spring and maybe Summer), Chase Kuiper, walked in to his kindergarten art class project of a CrossFit gym, paused for a beat so he didn't run over one of the little infants in front of him, and said, "I am so out of place here."

40 minutes later he was lying on his back gasping for breath after a dose of squats, planks, and sit-ups: the simplest of movements. I'd like to take a moment to unravel the layers of complexity that makes things like this not only possible, but a common occurrence any time you walk through our doors, so I invite you all to either get into a cozy reading position or simply close this page and allow your attention to go elsewhere. The Summer 2024 Invite, as it turns out, contains neither invitation information, nor useful information about Summer 2024. Only important information.

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It really has to start with Mr. and Mrs. Bennis; 6 years and some change has passed since they took the leap of faith and started Fundamentals with me, knowing that the only way they could join was if Josh would be allowed to play around on the side while they worked out. It was a no-brainer for me and I'm glad they were willing; a few months later they recruited Mrs. Nevarez to be part of our famed Summer 2018 Rookie Class under the same conditions, only she had 4(!) little minions she was bringing with her, one of which was in a stroller.

Summer 2018

Then we have to acknowledge Cecilia Steinwascher, who, as luck would have it, joined right in between the Bennis and Neverez families. It has been my vision to have a gym where lots of elite athletes trained, and Coach T decided to drop this All-American with shin and back pain right into our company. Little did I know that Cec would not only be an all-star athletic presence in the gym, but also a paradigm-changing community figure. From Everybody's All-American:

During lockdown I kept thinking, "Mrs. Van and Evan need to meet Cecilia's standard." They, and the rest of you, have done just that. Now I'm thinking, "the next Cecilia coming in needs to meet Mrs. Van and Evan's standard."

Cecilia Steinwascher's Championship-winning goal, NPOY award, and speed transformation gave our program a credential that would get us a seat at the table with any athlete looking for a place to help them achieve their dreams, and her demeanor, humility, and love would get her a seat in any community circle at the gym.

Summer 2021

For a few years, however, I was very protective of who was and wasn't allowed to work out with Cecilia and her crew. And this is where the third layer of our community comes into play: I am going to just call them "the parents" as a collective because it's hard to tell who was the single individual who started it all. Mrs. Tara definitely morphed into a stud in 2020-2021; Mr. Mark came in right around then; the Mr. and Mrs. Van got their fitness rolling in 2021 and 2022... either way, it became apparent that not only had the parents closed the gap with the kids, but many had exceed their younger counterparts.

Finally we have the... well, I call them the college kids, but really they're the people that grew up in here, left for college, and came back to train with us as working adults. This is the Katie Shakes, Jay, Bubs, David Sap, Aaron, Evan crew: you know, the people who hold most of our gym records. Hard to tell who started it for real, but I think Bubs deserves a special shout out here because she served as a point of reference for those kids who have wandered off looking to find their way back home. And, I mean, Shakes has literally been here for 10 years without leaving.

Summer 2022

So now we are at the point that any parent in the gym can work out with Cecilia and look right at place, and on the flipside any middle school, high school, or college athlete of ours could fit right in to a session with Mrs. Hill and Mr. Ron, be treated with unparalleled kindness and welcoming, and then be handed an ass-whooping they'll never forget... all while our Farm System is exploring every measure of the phrase Limited Liability Corporation.

I really don't know how a private gym could operate without this model, and I guess that speaks to the naivety I carry into this world of business that is ruled by standard procedure, upselling, profit margins, and waivers. Instead, "please don't die baby Rae," is our standard procedure," your payments will decrease over time, the profit margins are... well, you see the Money Cup, and we use our waivers as scratch paper for counting reps at the Disney Workout.

We are, literally, one-of-a-kind because no other groups on earth contain both Mr. Gjon and Koltin. And while other warehouses are occupied up and down Stephenson Hwy, none of them have Jessica's name spraypainted on the floor. I stopped trying to compare us to other CrossFit gyms because not only is it not fair to us, but also to them. When this place is humming, there is truly nothing like it, and it just so happens to be that time of year.

Summer 2023

...........

For those of you who don't know, our scope logo originated from Mackenzie Kaiser, who picked it out for our Summer 2011 shirts. There was no meaning behind it, other than it looked cool.

Since then I've tried to justify it, whether it be the "target on our backs" cliche that we felt from our days at Foley, to claiming it represented our focus on form, to using it as a metaphor for how we pick people to be part of our group. But I am here to inform you that all that was done to cover up for the fact that the scope is a random thing in the Custom Ink "Paintball" design section. But sometimes God decides to drop Mrs. Gloria into our lives to make sense of it all.

Around the same time as Bethany's tit-flicking excursion, Mrs. Gloria was out in parts of the world where tit-flicking is more frowned upon, rocking her Champions Club Summer 2023 shirt. And when... actually, I'll let her take it from here:

"My sister asked me what the scope meant on the back... of course I didn't know but I didn't want to make the Champions Club sound dumb, so I said each line is North, South, East, and West... everyone comes from different places and then meets at the gym."

We are about to begin Champions Club Summer no. 15. We have people from as far north as Canada and as far south as Venuzuela, as far east as New York and as far west as wherever the hell Mr. Ron found Mr. Francis's Asian ass. By some miraculous sequence of events, we all found our way to Madison Heights, MI for a 3-month family reunion that will be celebrated with Sharking, field trips, sweat angels, and a banner. We can do this incredible place (and it's incredible people) justice by contributing in one very simple way: be the best "me" that we possibly can. Let's have a great one y'all!

Love you guys,

Chris