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I've realized I'm alarmingly comfortable talking to parents about parenting, despite, you know, not being a parent. But that disadvantage of not being able to relate to the parent-kid connection has an advantage because that emotional magnetism doesn't exist to the same extent, and that can help me see reality in way a parent might not.

Active Insight is a process that Andy Bernstein created to help people see reality as it is, not as they think it should be. When that insight happens, solutions roll in, stress disappears, regret dissolves, and anxiety settles into clarity. A small group of us met with Andy in December while he was in town and we're still planning on following up with him (Dillon, Aaron, and Jess did the first follow-up in June) but in the meantime I wanted to try this thing at least once about the topic of parents and sports. So just read along as well as my grammar will allow.

In recent weeks/months, I've talked to  some of our dads about their kid's sports situations. While listening to the challenges the kids faced, the common bond I realized all the dads shared (and still do I think) is that watching their kids play sports was more stress than it was fun. That is the problem that needs to be addressed, not the kids' situations. Read that sentence again.

So I brainstormed doing a survey (College Coach-style) asking our parents who enjoys their kids sports, but then I thought that could encourage the habit of looking in the window instead of the mirror: "why can Mr. Gjon enjoy Lulu's games and I can't enjoy Sam and Sarah's? Do I need to wear humongous headphones and indoor sunglasses?" I thought about meeting with people individually and going through a worksheet, but I think the insights would apply to other people too; I'm sure the dads aren't the only ones who have stressed out at their kids' games. So yesterday I had the idea to do a worksheet on the general topic myself that would apply to enough people and post it on here. Here's how it goes, and Dean, the bolded alter ego will help with some explanations.

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"I should enjoy my kid's sports."

If you say that out loud or in your head and it brings you stress, then it's a good topic to start on. On a scale from 1-10, how strongly do you believe that? What kids of feelings and actions come up when you think this?

Cool, now flip it to the following:

"In reality, I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time."

If this sounds weird or painful to say, you're doing it right.

Now, the important part about this statement is the bookends: "in reality" and "at this time." The "in reality" part brings us to what is actually going on right now, and "at this time" reminds us that we don't want to always be stuck stressing at our kids games, but just right at this moment we are.

Now we find proofs for why that statement above is true. Here's a few to go with:

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because part of their sports aren't enjoyable.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because part of their sports involve struggle and it is a parental instinct to react to that.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because sometimes I doubt my kid's ability to overcome struggle, so I want to do it for him.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because sometimes I consider the worst outcome as the only outcome, or the most likely outcome, when there is a good chance it won't be the case.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because my kid doesn't show or communicate what he's really feeling yet, so I'm uncertain how I should act, or if I should act at all.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because doing the job for my kid is outside of my ability, and therefore not enjoyable.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because being involved in the day-to-day stuff with my kid exposes some of the challenges a casual fan or someone else on the outside might not see.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I might know something my kid doesn't know and I'm having a challenging time relaying that message in an effective way.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because my kid might know something I don't know and that creates a bigger sense of unknown.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I haven't been watching my kid "as is," I've been watching through the lens of how this game now will affect the future.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because this sport isn't my area of expertise and I don't really understand the context of what I'm seeing, but instead of embracing that I try to cram an understanding that takes an expert in the field decades into a few short months or a year, which can be overwhelming.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because this sport is my area of expertise and I try to provide my perspective and experience instead of just providing unconditional support.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because mistakes and struggle are unavoidable - especially in sports - which means I'm spending a lot of energy and thought trying to help my kid avoid something that is unavoidable.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because there are people around me who don't find enjoyment in watching my kid play, and that rubs off on me.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because there are people around me who don't find enjoyment watching their own kid's sports, and that makes me feel more justified in my beliefs.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because sports are fucking crazy and contain an infinite number of intense highs and lows, and our brain is wired to latch onto the lows just as much as the highs.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I compare my kid to other kids, and external factors might not make it a fair comparison.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I see my kid as a reflection of myself and I feel it looks bad on me (bad parenting) if they're behind or struggling.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I sometimes doubt I'm doing the right thing as a parent to help their career.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because my kid's athletic goals might be unachievable at the current work rate.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I love the sport more than my kid, and I have a difficult time accepting that.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because my kid loves the sport more than I do, and I have a difficult time accepting that.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because what I want and what my kid wants aren't always the same thing, and we haven't found an effective way to communicate that yet.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I place sports way up on the hierarchy and poor performance in a game affects me more than a poor performance washing the dishes or cutting the grass.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I've been putting more time and energy and thought into my kid's sports than my own work, hobbies, etc.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because some of the things I see as problems my kid doesn't.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because instead of seeing long-term struggle as an essential experience, I see it as something that will never end.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because I've been trying to fix my kid's problems instead of trying to fix my problems with my kid's problems.

In reality I should not enjoy my kid's sports at this time because the current youth sports culture is not set up in a way that makes it easy or convenient to enjoy it as a parent, and I haven't put in the personal work it would take to overcome that.

Read those over a few times, let them sink in, then go back and read the original statement: "I should enjoy my kid's sports." Does it feel the same? If you ranked it again, would it be lower? What about your feelings or actions? Marinate on that for a minute.

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If you don't enjoy your kids' games and you want to, you first have to understand why you shouldn't be ejoying them currently. Otherwise you're trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist. Once that belief is killed - I should enjoy my kid's sports - then that clears rooms for other things like solutions, progress, and reflection. Going to the Champions Club kids' games is probably the most enjoyable thing about my... can I really call it a job?. I hope the parents at the Champions Club can say the same, if not today, then one day soon.