Mr. Ron is taking laps, and they call him Roto-Rooter
slash plumber, fast runner, and he fly on them computers
Entries in basketball (105)
Athlete of the Week: Nobody Gets Athlete of the Week
Chris Sinagoga | Sunday, July 7, 2024 at 11:34AM I'm pretty sure this is a true story. Or at least some of it.
Back in the aughts, Coach Casey was part of a basketball coaching staff that won an MSHAA state championship, so naturally his talents were in high demand. After a few more seasons coaching there he was pried away from his high school gig by a temptress named Mrs. Tara, who wanted him to coach her children in a grade school church league. After weeks of intense negotiating Coach Casey agreed to the terms of the contract- which mainly included a meal stipend and housecleaning duties - on the one condition that he wouldn't have to teach no soft-ass zone defense. Mrs. Tara ain't soft either, so she was cool with it.
Little did Coach Casey know that part of this league's policy was for coaches to present postgame awards such as the Most Jesus-Like Award, the Team Spirit Award, and the Least Likely To Shoot On The Wrong Basket Award.
On one gray winter morning Coach Casey watched helplessly from the bench as his team of 3rd graders stocked the statsheet with turnovers, fouls, dropped catches, self-induced jump balls, and untied shoes. Facing an insurmountable 6 point deficit midway through the 3rd quarter, Coach put in the scrubs and the lead grew all the way to 7 before the buzzer mercifully sounded and the opposing coach jumped up and down like Pat Fitzgerald after a late hit penalty.
After the game Coach Casey circled up his derelict group of orphans and informed them that nobody would be receiving any awards today. The league's office was promptly tipped off about this priceless lesson in participation trophies and diluted product and acted swiftly - imposing a public reprimand, 1-game suspension, 30-day probation, and a $35 fine.
