CrossFit Athletic Group

While taking advantage of some recent downtime that's come after our Christmas Break schedule, I have decided to dip my toes in the world of video games to see what all the commotion is about. Last week I asked my mom to go to Target and pick out a video game for me, knowing her history of gifting me great things before I even heard of them (Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor, and Torches by, Foster the People, to name a few).

She came back claiming to have juuuuust barely beat another lady to grab the last copy of the latest addition of the Grand Theft Auto Series. Apparently it's flying off the shelf.

The game starts with our main character, "Schotty," walking out of his 2-bedroom flat in downtown Detroit in nothing but a pair of jean shorts economically held to his waist by a chain link belt with a skull-and-crossbones buckle; he had no shirt on and his hair showed a minor semblance of being tended to at one point, but there was obviously lots on his mind that pushed his hair to a rare afterthought.

Then the critical mission flashed on the screen:

Champions Club 6:30 session begins in 20 minutes. You haven't worked out in 2 weeks!

Schotty looked at his timepiece for reasons unknown - the encrusted diamonds and other jewels prevented the hour or minute hands from moving anyway - then saw a homeless dude riding his bike across the sidewalk. Schotty reached into the back of his jeans and stuck up the poor fellow, saying, "This is a hold up, ain't nothin funny, stop smilin', ain't nothin move but the money."

Not sure about the logic behind trying to rob this certain class of person, the bum jumped off the bike altogether and ran for it. Schotty jumped on the seat and grabbed hold of the handlebars.

Immediately six blank star symbols were displayed in the corner with "Wanted Level" labled above; two of the stars were filled in.

As Schotty pedaled his ratchety new bicycle down the street, a lone squad car pulled around the corner. Seconds later, amidst bullets flying in all directions, Schotty (now with an extra gun) had traded his recently-acquired bicycle for blue and white police car, which proved to be a much more efficient method of transportation. Suddenly there were three stars were shining in the corner.

As Schotty made his getaway, three more squad cars rolled up. Schotty put the pedal to the floor and smashed into them straight-on, his car flipped and he managed to jump out mid-air moments before the car crashed into a local corner store. 4 stars.

Now on foot, Schotty ran for it, guns in both hands like he was the anchor in some sinister 400-meter relay race. When an officer skidded around the corner on a motorcycle top investigate, Schotty managed to persuade him to lend out the bike. Coincidentally a 5th star was earned.

Then, for no good reason at all, Schotty avoided the street (which was completely clear) and rode up on the sidewalk, running over a hooker in the process. Surprisingly that didn't earn him an additional star.

Then a fire truck came screaming down the street in response to the commotion. In a bold move, Schotty crashed his bike into the fire truck, tossed the driver out, and pulled an impressive U-turn to head back the way he came. 6 stars.

The video game ended with Schotty doing 90 down Stephenson Hwy in a fire truck with By All Means Necessary banging out of the speakers, stopping only for a fresh paint job to throw the cops off the trail. He eventually pulled into the Champions Club parking lot ready for a casual workout session, unaware that now a police chopper and a flock of F-16 fighter pilots were being deployed to blast the everloving moose out of his high hipster hair.

I would give this game a solid 3 out of 5 in the ratings. Nothing to write home about, but some good clean wholesome fun that shows the dedication of one young lad who just really wanted to work out despite not having access to a car.