CrossFit Athletic Group

Hello, 911, how may I help you?

Uh, yes, I'd like to report a burglary.

Okay, just stay calm, can you give me the address please?

32301 Stephenson Hwy in Madison Heights.

Oh... well I'm sorry but we have already sent police officers there.

Yeah I know, and they're just making things worse.

I'm not really sure what to tell you, sir.

One of your officers just keeps flirting with a Russian spy?

Yeah that's Officer Steinwascher, I believe they're a thing.

A...

Thing, yes.

Well then there's the one whose uniform looks like an undersized bikini.

That's Officer Evan.

You didn't have any that would fit him better?

I'm not aware of any store called Urban Grizzly Bear Outfitters, are you?

And then one of them is smaller than my dog?

I assure you Officer Rae is very feisty. She can do 4 pull-ups now.

And then one of them got tricked - by Owen(!) - to steal a barbell instead of bring it back.

That was Officer Sexton, Hazeltucky's brightest light bulb.

I can't keep track of all this mess.

I sent Officer Zander to record names of all the cops and robbers at the scene.

Who is Saporino, L, Mrs. Berton Bertun and Ceclia?

Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

Anything else? You haven't even helped me in the first place.

Okay one moment please, I'm going to check if Officer Bewick is avail--

/click

...........

I have been making as much of a concerted effort as I'm capable towards breaking the control freak label on my scouting report, and pre-workout explanations give me a great chance to practice: instead of giving instructions of what to do, I've been only giving instructions on what not to do, giving your imaginations a chance to fill in the blanks. Or, in some cases, not give instructions at all.

"Steal as much shit from the gym as possible in 36 minutes and bring to the cones" is, without a doubt, the most simple premise for a Theme Workout any workout we've ever done. No counting, no form, no order to remember or rounds, the robbers were given a chance to erase all the formalities from their brains and instead rely on the age-old instincts of greed and envy.

"Give the robbers a 4-minute head start then bring as much shit as you can back to the gym in 36 minutes" is, without doubt, the second most simple premise for a Theme Workout any workout we've ever done. Police officers are known for their ability to think fast under pressure, so I figured asking them to wait four minutes was more than within their capabilities.

All of this is out of my comfort zone - again, I'm a point guard and quarterback; the play starts when I say so - but by reminding myself that my identity is not Organization and Intelligence, I realize that staying in my lane creates room for some of the most entertaining, intuitive, and, ingenious workout performances the Champions Club has ever seen. I mean, just look at the security camera footage:

Absolutely brilliant maneuver by the robbers. Occupy as many cops as possible with the classic, "Hey look big shiny blue mat, I really hope nobody catches us!" The perfect distraction for Mr. Mark to silently sneak past untouched with a hefty sum to add to their collection... And then Jessica just ended up rolling the blue mat to their base anyway once everyone left (tom-tommery that might have literally been the difference between the robbers winning at the end).

The creativity didn't end there. Zander was drawn and quartered by Moustaache and Owen while trying to steal two kettlebells; David Sap took the microwave from upstairs and filled it with softballs; Evan stole Jessica; Owen stole toilet paper; Emma lang stole money from the Money Cup during yesterday's test run at 3:30, none of which crossed my mind at any point in time during planning.

At the 40 minute we were left with...

... a mess that far out-messes anything from our Summer 2012 days. Beautiful, beautiful chaos.