Chris Sinagoga | Sunday, October 15, 2023 at 8:42PM Hello, my name is Crazy Jeff, and I have a story to tell.
Some people run because their parents force them to play a sport and track and cross country don't have cuts. Some people run because the guilt of sitting all day steadily builds. Some people run because shitting one's pants is generally frowned upon. And some people run because it is the most cost-effective, effiecient way to trick ourselves into a sense of accomplishment for the day.
But there exists another group of people that run, a group that actually, genuinely love running. One corner of the internet calls them "track people." And buddy, these are some weird mofos.
So let's start with this simple fact: an adult male human being weighs 200 lbs. and has a beard; his diet consists of meat and whatever else will hold him over until the next serving of meat - any excess is stored in the upper/medial gastroc to form what are commonly known as "Dad Calves." Runners, in a chronological sense, should have reached adulthood by now, yet their development seems to have been stunted by an intense intake of long, slow distance running and these weird-ass goo packets. While further Googling of goo packets needed, I can only assume they do not lead to the development of Dad Calves.
Somehow these runners have defied everything I learned about evolution in 9th grade biology and continue to multiply to staggering numbers; a species that was once endangered has now grown to the point where it is financially and economically sustainable to close down an entire city so these narks can run their skinny asses all over the place.
Not me, though. While others run for the pleasure, I run for the sacrifice. I run for veterans and soldiers. I woke up on this fine morning with a purpose to bring that message to anyone with a willing mind and heart.
My pet wildabeast, Megatron, kicked my door down at 5 am; no pansy-ass alarm clocks in my household. There was no need to get dressed; I've been dressed for this race since last week. A deer flank remained from my last kill, so I ate and then left the house.
As I passed my daughter's school, a wonderful idea came to me, and on a whim I stopped the car, climbed up the flag pole, and "borrowed" myself the one final piece of flair that would make Brian and his terriffic smile look like a weathered landscaper.
Before I knew it, I was standing at the starting line, the gun sounded, and I was off, just myself and my beacon of hope. Jesus had his cross for 14 stations; I had my flag for 13 miles.
I finished. The message was sent. The two-hour weighted run was complete. And in this moment I planned to allow myself one act of self-promotion; I was to strike a Heisman pose upon crossing the finish line. Yes, partly as a celebration of my accomplishment, but in doing so I would bring awareness to all the veterans who I ran for, who make sacrifices much, much more grueling than a simple run. Surely the other participants will be patient enough to allow me just a brief moment...
Ouch! ...
... Heeeyyyyyy! Excuse me...
... who in the world has the audacity...
... wtf is a Bubs?
...........
On the real, big ups to all the Champions Club peeps - current and former - who ran in the half marathon earlier today. We had, of course, Bubs storming over Crazy Jeff, but also Jesse...
Moustaache, though not allowed to ride his horse...
and Jacqueline and Erika...
Anto ran as well and started off with the best intentions...
...but unfortunately aged quite a bit as the race went on...
Someone will surely be able to restore him to his previous self.
We also had a Megan Kav sighting!
However, our final Champions Club participant deserves a special shout-out, as her disdain for the other half-reppers could be seen in nearly every picture:
Have you ever tried to watch Lord of the Rings? I did once, and man it was some work. Good movie and all, but work; the temperature in the house had to be right; a couch and chair positioned like so, ready to be switched when fatigue set in; fiid premade in the kitchen for my convenience; and even with all of the environment controlled, the mental stamina required to sit through /checks IMDB 4(!) hours and 10(!) minutes took everything I had in me.
Yet, Josie freaking Junkin ran for an entire Lord of the Rings movie and added a David Attenborough nature special on top of it just for show. A full marathon! 5 hours and 17 minutes. You are the real deal kiddo!
